an awesome clusterfuck of greatness

Today is a national holiday in Japan, which is fantastic, because my thursday school is a 30 minute drive up the side of a mountain. still have work tomorrow though, so this doesn't equate to a long weekend, just a day off in the middle of the week. pretty cool right?

the english name of the holiday is Showa Day, named after one of the former emperors i think. a trip to wikipedia didn't reveal which emperor it was, because alot of things have the same name...it's complicated. this is a complicated place. i don't really know anything about the holiday beyond the fact that i didn't have to go to work and the convenience stores were still open so i could buy some cigarrettes and kaarage, something which you english speakers know as fried chicken. which one is unhealthier though, is the really pressing question.

**tangent **one of my favorite unhealthy snacks ever was in Bangkok, where I found a guy who just sold bags of the crunchy fried parts of fried whatever for about 35 baht if i remember right. it was alot better than the boiled insects and things that looked alot like tacos but weren't that other vendors had for sale.

some people advise you not to eat street food in Thailand. these people are neo-nazi terrorist child predators **end tangent**

so what's this holiday all about? surely there must be a festival for it right? i'm sure there is, and i sure didn't go to it. actually one of the kids at school asked if i was going to the festival, but i already knew i was going to use today as a do as little as possible day. i'm sure the biggest celebrations are in places with more connection to the emperors. i even interrogated my english speaking co-worker about Showa day and can tell you that its not too big of a deal. no special traditions, holiday foods or anything like that. it's just a simple day off in honor of someone. i did some laundry and played emulator Zelda III, some kids played baseball next to the shrine down the street, and my neighbor hit his wife/girlfriend again(i would move my bed away from that wall if i could, go to counseling people!)

what this day really is is a precursor to an awesome clusterfuck of holidays collectively known as Golden Week, in which Japan took all the random one-off holidays and stacked them right next to each other. pretty cool, i know. imagine how great it would be if America did the same thing with its' collection of 1 day holidays, as in presidents day, labor day and (am i missing any) all in the same week as MLK day.

lets look at the holidays which make up Golden Week? "no hi" just means 'day of ______' and it's not pronounced the way you think,

May 1
Kinrou Kansha no hi -- this is literally, literally, Labor Day Part 1 in Japan, I shit you not

May 2
In Japan, days that are sandwiched in between other holidays like this become holidays, bonus! EDIT: turns out it's on a sunday this year :(

May 3
Kenpou Kinen-bi -- Constitution day, to celebrate the beginning of democracy here, ok this has a reason for being on May 3rd.

May 4
Midori no hi -- Green Day, eco-warriors throughout Japan wet their pants because this day is all about being thankful for everything we get from nature and blah blah blah. think on it for a minute though, does this day need to be right after Constitution Day? now we're starting to understand the rationale behind Golden Week

May 5
Kodomo no hi -- Children's Day, which for kids in Japan, Korea (and maybe China too? idk) is like a 2nd Christmas...in may. but why is it on May 5th? GOLDEN WEEK

EDIT: i didn't have my facts straight at all...this has been on May 5th since 600 CE, but it didn't turn into a national holiday until after WW2, not that you care because you don't get to celebrate it if you're not in northeast Asia. GOLDEN WEEK

Children's Day seems to be the most elaborate and tradition-filled of all of these, involving the flying of fish flags, elaborate dolls, eating special cakes, and the gifting of PS3's (i said you it was a 2nd christmas). by the way, "Children's Day" used to be "Boy's Day," DEAL WITH IT

BUT nothing is perfect, and certain things can make this holiday frustrating, not really this frustrating but frustrating nonetheless.

first of all, everyone decides to travel during this time, whether they're going back to their hometowns or just on their way to enjoy some whatever. this means 3 things for you. #1: all roads and transport will be crowded to the point of unpleasantness #2: all hotels will be booked, including the sleeping bag on the floor of the storage room #3: things magically become more expensive. that last one's kind of a kick in the nuts, especially since i haven't gotten a full paycheck yet.

ALSO! all banking & postal services shut down, so you need to get your cash beforehand. therefore, if you're new to Japan and aren't aware of Golden Week, it's possible to get caught with your pants down, as they say. if you live in a seriously out of the way place, like one of the minor islands, you might also see all stores, including groceries, close down.

I think this is what sprouted the urban legend of the English teacher who found himself during Golden Week with nothing to eat but one of those comically large Daikon radishes, which he apparently tried to ration out over the holiday. I know that story's not true though, because why would you buy one of those things in the first place? no one likes them. I call bullshit. still, the story was plausible enough for me to stockpile enough canned food in my apartment to survive the collapse of civilization, and come to think of it, i guess we never really know when that's gonna happen so...probably a good policy to follow in general.

not that i'm gonna be spending too much time in my apartment this week anyway, this much holiday is too good to pass up. the bright lights of Tokyo or Osaka seemed like a good idea at first, but I don't really have the cash yet to enjoy myself properly there. so I'm gonna be running around my prefecture and parts of the neighboring one, seeing this or that thing and doing all kinds of stuffs. that's the plan anyway

so enjoy your time off, America OH WAIT A MINUTE NO

--gaijin who writes this
signatures go here

and big edit: i consulted a "book" (remember those things?) and Showa day is actually meant to be a somber day to reflect on the 63-year up and down reign of the Showa emperor, more commonly known around the world as Hirohito.

Rule #1: you dont talk about Taiko club

If there's one thing that i know for sure i did wrong in Korea, it was never getting involved in any kind of club or whatever outside of work. i learned that lesson well though, and when i was about to hit the 1 month mark here in Japan, i decided it was time to find something to occupy my time outside of work. so i put on my detective hat and got out my magnifying class to go search for some clubs to join. and clues. lots of clues. DNA evidence.

and tehere was plenty of stuff for me to join. i've said b4 that Japan is a country of festivals, well it's kindofa country of clubs too. want to learn Taiko drumming? there's a club for that. practice martial arts? there's clubs for each different kind, and some of them are free! want to play frisbee? sundays at 3, rain or shine. all sorts of shit, it's seriously endless. everyone has a hobby afterall. some people play tennis, some people's interests are more questionable.

furries, i'm looking in your direction, and i dont like what i see..............................................................nah just kidding, whatever floats your boat you fucking freaks

BUT, while alot of the clubs on offer are interesting, and would certainly be a worthwhile timesink, they're kind of confined to that one time a week that you go to the club. and by that i mean, if i joined the taiko club, i cant take the drum around with me and play it on the subway, or if i started learnin some jujitsu, it wouldn't help me communicate in the teacher's room...or would it....

certainly music and martial arts are worthwhile activities, but everything you choose to do is a time commitment. that's really the problem right there, it's not money, it's your time, you only have so much free time. so you don't want too many things on your plate as they say, and i've always preferred for my free time to be pretty loose. so one club is enough for now i think, until my new "Friends of Mos Burger" club gets up and running. it's been unexpectedly difficult to get that going though, because every time i try to talk to them about it they keep telling me to place an order

so, until i can succesfully talk to the manager, i've decided to commit my time and money to a Japanese class. not as interesting as taiko, not as fun as the Korean art of the kick and the punch, but worthwhile. afterall, I live in Japan don't I? it only makes sense to try to learn how to talk the people around me. especially the kids at school, because i need to learn their stupid dodgeball rules. goddamit kid, where i'm from, if you throw the ball and i catch it, YOU'RE out, not me, YOU

a trip to the 100yen shop got me all the notebooks and pens and whatnot i needed. in retrospect, i was way more excited about class than i should've been. everythings said in japanese of course, what would be the point if it wasn't? but as i'm sitting in there, slipping back into my bad habit of just listening for key words, my excitement about class faded when i realized that i'd overlooked 2 crucial facts: 1.) Japanese is really hard 2.) I hate studying. no, not the most fun i could be having, but hopefully something thats gonna pay off. because otherwise the only way i study is listening to the radio while i'm on the road and trying to learn 1 word a day. if you learn 1 word of a language every day, you'd probably die of old age at least 3 times before you actually learn the language. so i need someone to direct my learnin

Now that I think about it, i could've shortened this alot if i'd just posted a picture of a cat sleeping on a piano or something and underneath it wrote "i joined a Japanese class." whoops...can i just do that now?



i joined a japanese class. the end.

--gaijin who writes this
signatures go here

It sounds harsh but it's the truth

i can't take any credit for the picture, as awesome as it may be.

--gaijin who writes this
signatures go here

No ones taller than the last man standing

I think it was around 4th or 5th grade when I started to suck at soccer. Around that time, there was always some other kid who could handle (soccer) balls better than I could ever handle balls. When I played soccer before then, there was no strategery whatsoever, you see the ball, you yell "ball!" and run to it, kick it if you can, doesn't really matter which direction. But then we got older and all of a sudden the other kids learned all this fancy footwork and shit that I just couldn't deal with. So, like anything else that's hard in life, I quit.

I still think that's valid by the way. If it's too hard, if it stresses you out, just don't do it. Like math for example. I'm proud to say that I've naturally over time unlearned all math from algebra onwards; i don't use it at all, and neither do you, so quit lying. Erin (J) would be the only exception, cos she's a math major and knows 19 different ways to murder you with that shit. but, all the maths that i need is simple subtraction. There is (X) amount of yen in my post office account, subtract (y) amount of yen to keep the internets on, make sure you pay by (D) day. and the amount you have left over after that is enough for one (1) badass night of drinking with Ogawa-San (not Natsu-San, she doesn't like me).

back to the anecdote! soccer! we all know it's a stupid sucky game, but the kids sure like it, because they just don't know any better. and when they say 'yatte miyoo!" how can i say no? well i could say no, but then i'd be an even bigger asshole.

Now i'm a heavy smoker (outside of school [except for my tuesday school, where I can smoke all i want]), so after about 5 minutes of running, i'm coughing wheezing and collapsing. but it doesn't fucking matter! because i'm taller than these kids and my legs are longer! they wanna do their fancy footwork and try to get past me? fuck no, I can take a ball from them just because of my wingspan...legpspan? i don't fucking know. all that matters is, compared to these kids, i'm the best, and they suck.

I'll say it one more time for the cheap seats:

THE KIDS ARE LOSERS & I'M #1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but you already knew that.

vindication is sweet. I was never the biggest kid on the playground, but I am now. dogeball, basketball, soccer? i'm the first one to get picked. it's true that these kids can run faster and longer than i can (where does all that energy come from?), but there's only so much they can do when they're up against someone who's 80cm taller and 40kg heavier. VINDICATION!!!!!!!!

but! i actually got eliminated in volleyball on monday. i got careless. I was getting ready to power a shot at one of the 6th graders I didn't like, when a little girl from my 1st grade class popped me in the leg. there were many jokes at my expense, of course, and i deserved it. just goes to show you that no ones taller than the last man (or wo-man) standing.

oh yeah, occasionally during the week i taught english

can you believe i'm getting paid to do this shit??

--gaijin who writes this
signatures go here

Here's that video

Here it is, if you care

Only other thing I have to say is, since work started for real this week, this is the point when the posts are gonna
slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
dowwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn

My goal from now on is one post a week, probably on sundays. and that would be saturday for people reading from the states, because I live in the future now.

--gaijin who writes this
signatures go here

We fight and die for Panasonic (and its' subsidiaries)

Samurai's in K-Town!? OH SHIT TIME WAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

actually, I didn't find and enter a time tunnel (i still want to though), it was just the annual dress up as samurai and get drunk while some guys ride horses down the street festival.

Japan, much like Korea, is a country with alot of festivals. They can find a reason to make almost every occasion a festival. Is it peach picking season? PEACH FESTIVAL! Some guys with a death wish ride 12-ton logs down a mountainside every 7 years? LOG FESTIVAL! I'm actually kind of kicking myself for not knowing the log festival was this weekend. guess I have to wait another 7 years to watch someone get crushed by a log (at least one participant has died every single time I think). There's also a penis festival, which happened a couple weeks before I came to Japan. Apparently there's a kind of parade and people wave around these big phallus things or something...now that one's kinda confusing to me, is it a gay pride event? Or just a celebration of what makes us guys? I'll find out next year!

But this particular samurai festival I was at is all about this guy, a samurai daimyo who was undefeated in his military career and...i'm boring you aren't I? I'll stop now. I mean, this weekend I learned all these interesting stories about the local samurai clan from long ago, but I'm aware of the fact that it's only interesting to me and other people with boners for history.

regardless of how much you like history, this event is pretty damn cool (IMO) and worth checking out if you're in the area in early April. The way it goes is: for 3 days the whole town celebrates Shingen Takeda's life and career. There's a "castle park" here, which isn't actually a castle but just the grounds where the castle was, and a few walls. Anyways a bunch of vendors set up here so you can buy food, beer, souveneirs...worth checking out, the food was good, allegedly there's some vendors who sell the kind of snacks that people had during medieval times, but I wouldn't recognize those if i saw them. I just ate some tako yaki, hootoo (to everyone who just read that word and said, "who too?" YOURE WRONG), and fried chicken, the most authentic Japanese snack of all.



Saturday is the day to go if you've never seen it before. People from all over the prefecture get dressed up in samurai armor with all the props and parade through the city, and the generals and the actor playing Shingen ride horses down the street.

But even better yet, there's some young totemo kirei-na ladies who put on the samurai armor too, which equates to a bizarre kind of sexual fantasy that I didn't even know I had until yesterday.

I actually tried to dress up as a samurai about 3 haloween's in a row back in the states, but I only had a kimono and some wooden bokken swords, so basically I just showed up to these parties in a bathrobe more or less. but if you sign up for it, you can actually put on the armor and march in this parade, and nothing, NOTHING will stop me from doing that next year. it's #6 on my list of things I want to do before I die, in between "cut down a tree" and "eat an endangered species."

If there's anything else you need to know about Japanese festivals, it's that you're basically gonna be drinking the entire time. That's a big part of what makes it so festive, afterall. They were giving out free Sake yesterday and I drank with a spearman from the PANASONIC regiment, I don't think that was really a part of Shingen's army, but hey fuck it this is the year 2010.

I did try to take pictures of Shingen and his wife, the horses and stuff like that. but there were a shitload of people here and I couldn't find a good spot to take pictures from, so not many of them came out well. Next year though I'll be part of the action so I should have plenty of photos of the person standing in front of me. For right now, I can offer you this horrible quality shaky-cam footage of a 6 minute Taiko routine with a shitload of background noise. you can actually hear a melody if you listen for it. I think i'll buy a real video camera when I get paid. EDIT: the video link wasn't working at all, so I took it down. I'll put it on youtube later maybe and just link to it, so...keep an eye on this post (if you give a shit about Taiko drumming)

--Gaijin who writes this
signatures go here

Everyone is D.W.A.

Whoops, thought i moved to Japan, guess i went to new york by mistake. ruh roh

Oh yeah, this blog has 1 follower now. Thanks Ken! one day i'll be king of the blogosphere, which incidentally is a word that i hate.

I got the above photo in our prefecture capital, I guess I shouldn't say the name, cos that will give away my location, and I've been doing such a good job of hiding that. err...well i guess that poll I had going had the name of this town on it. ewps. whatever, (basically) no one reads this, and I dont think an employer would ever find it, or look for it. still, i think i'm gonna stay anonymous for a good long while anyway. why risk it? let's just call the place K-TOWN!

but a couple people answered the poll about where i should go this week, seeing as how i had all this time off. so i looked at that and i went over to K-TOWN! for a bit, because i actually wanted to go there more than tokyo (i need more cash to go there IMO) and i had a meeting there today as well. now i can take the train over there for about 200 yen, but the boss said, 'hey why don't you drive over, it'll be good practice.' so that's what i did, cos i didn't know any better.

well i learned my lesson, i'm never fucking doing that again, ever.

it took me a solid hour to drive to K-TOWN! today. K-TOWN! is 25 FUCKING KILOMETERS FROM MY HOUSE (and that would be less than 20 miles if you're from the states. oops i meant less than 20 FUCKING MILES, sorry)

i don't like to make broad generalizations, stereotypes i guess. but i can't help but notice something. when you crossed a street in Korea, it was kind of up to fate whether you actually made it to the other side or not. similar situation in Thailand, where many people actually buy their driving licenses. do you see where i'm going with this? i guess that makes me a bad person, but still, think about it anyway.

they say that the average speed you would drive in tokyo is about 8mph with all the traffic and stuff. i can certainly believe that, after today's shitshow. where do all these cars come from? dang it guys, go green already and don't drive ur cars! which is what i will be doing from now on, any time i wanna go there, i'm taking that train.

there's just too many road annoyances on the way to K-TOWN! and honestly, i'm just not gonna deal with them ever again. now my town has it's own little problems such as the roadside death ditches and the one lane roads with cars trying to go both ways. but at least around my neighborhood i dont have to deal with

-suicidal cyclists
-homicidal bus drivers
-people parking IN the road (STOP DOING THAT!)
-overly ambitious pedestrians, also suicidal
-fucking taxi drivers

man, if you ever drive in Japan and you see a taxi, just get the fuck out of its way. they are GUARANTEED to do some really stupid shit. i don't usually talk to myself but the whole time i was driving "dude, CUT THAT SHIT OUT" is the only thing that was coming out of my mouth. why are people stopping their cars in the road?!!! i mean, in my mind thats the kind of thing you'd usually do in a parking lot, am i fucked in the head or something?



here's a parking lot btw. my car is the blue one that's blocked in. i would've been pissed off but it's all so fucking hilarious

i tried to take some video of the traffic, but it seemed like every time i hit record cars would start moving again. i actually took a wrong turn when i started out and ended up on the freeway, and i didn't really wanna challenge the Japanese highways yet but once you start going up those on-ramps, obviously there's no turning back. well it's a good thing i did get on the freeway actually, because if i hadn't i never would have gotten to the place on time.

ah, but now i must riff about the highway. i certainly am getting sidetracked today, but it's been a weird day. now i'm legally illiterate in Japan, cos I can't read enough kanji, but this hasn't been a problem so far when i've been driving around, because Japan has thoughtfully made bilingual road signs, just for me. and that feels good. but the signs on the highway...aren't bilingual. now there's 2 things hurting me here, 1st, i can't read the signs and 2nd, even if i could, i'm not good enough with kanji yet to read them at 80 km/h. that shit's not fair Japan! make new signs!

i'm still kind of amazed i got to this thing on time. when i sat down at my seat, I looked at my watch and it was exactly 2:00. which means by Japanese standards, I was about 5-10 minutes late. but the meeting wasn't being run by Japanese, so who cares! the fact that this was one of the most pointless meetings i've ever been too kind of added to the fun of the whole experience. Well i guess that's a corporation for ya, they can afford to pay 30 people to sit around for 2 hours holding their dicks.

i'm about to head out for some food and fun, but before i go i'd like to say a few words to some people who appear to need some encouragement or something. so this is an open letter to all cyclists, scooterists, and motorcycle enthusiasts of Japan.

Dear people who ride anything with 2 wheels instead of 4,

Hello guys and girls. I'm new in town but already I can't help but notice that you seem to want to kill yourself using my car and your cycle. But have you ever considered that maybe, instead of trying to end it all, there are other alternatives for you, such as riding the bus or taking the train? Cheer up! Ganbatte! Life is worth living! Please QUIT FUCKING AROUND (or zakennayo, if you prefer).

Respectfully yours,

--Gaijin that writes this
signatures go here